Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Boredom,heartt heartt..it jux dnt matta no mo.

I'll start off this blog with a huge lol!!! Some people can be so ego-tistical when they don't have shit. Annoys the hell outta me when someone tries to act all holy and humble around other people, but in front of me they're a whole different person. People sometimes think that they can push me around and walk on me just like a welcome door mat, but what they don't know is that I do have a limitation. NEVER PUSH ME OVER MY PATIENCE LIMIT!!!! Cos honestly you'll regret it so much. Don't think that just cos I stay quiet and patient I won't lash out every bit of my anger out on your unlucky ass.

Hypocrites are like the worst people to be around. They really annoy me alot! I can't handle they're goody-goody fakeness cos in my heart I know who they really are. They try and let me *ahem* repeat TRY to change, but they can never ever change who they really are inside. It's your nature. Changing your whole attitude and putting up a fake attitude just to get people to like you is pathetic beyond comprehension. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hide your feelings now and then, but you should really just be yourself around people. Don't like something that you used to hate just cos alot of people like it.

Just now, when I had mid-week service in school, this girl gave a speech. She said, "Nowadays the world encourages us to keep our feelings to ourselves." Very true!! It's like the world doesn't allow us to express how we really feel nowadays. We have to follow the rules and whatsoever we're told to do. Sooner or later our feelings are going to explode out of our hearts,minds and bodies! That won't be good. Cos once your feelings get cooped up for a long time, they tend to accumulate and the aftermath is never pretty. Someone always gets hurt in the end.

School was alright just now. Nothing much happened. It's Jo's bday today! The whole class sang a bday song for him just now in the morning after he came into class after the assembly. He said that he was "so touched". Haha! I met up wit Azmi at tuition yesterday. He went there just cos I told him to cos I wanted to meet him up. Ugh. I was planning to get to know him better, but Jeff had to come and join in. Talk bout bad timing. I couldn't really talk to Azmi one on one for too long cos I had to get back to class.

I was planning to not go into class, but I accidentally stepped out and teacher saw me! She asked me to go up to class, but I told her that I'll be up in awhile. She's really sporting, so she just let me stay down there for awhile. Azmi is really a nice guy. He actually wanted to bring me to catch the movie "Jangan Pandang Belakang" this Saturday night at the Bolkiah cinema. I'm not allowed out at night, so I couldn't go. If I could, I surely would cos I really need to move on from Aim. I'm done with empty promises made to me.

Azmi's really sweet and kinda good looking. So yeah~ Who knows right? If things go well things might happen. This Saturday I might be meeting him up again. Ekam wanted to go out with me just now cos he needed to get a hair cut and he wanted to go out too. Guess he aint broke anymore. But I couldn't go out today. I got scolded by my dad on Tuesday. He was fed up with me always going out of the house. When he was screaming at me over the phone, I was thinking to myself in my head.

I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do at home? He's so damn unreasonable at times. Trapping me at home won't do them any good cos I won't even study! He just doesn't get it. Now he tells me that I can only go out twice a week. I can't wait until I turn 18 then I can get my license, freedom, car and credit card. I so love the future!

The day I turn 18 is the day I'm gonna get my driver's license! Then I can get out of this house whenever I want to and go wherever I wanna go. Don't tell me that they're still gonna control me after I turn 18. My mom told me last night that I'm gonna go to this really good college in Manchester after I finish my Form 5 O'levels. Part of me says YAY! , but the other part of me says.."I don't wanna leave my friends". I'll continue later cos I need to get some sleep before tuition. I'll continue later k? ciao~

&&to be continued

~ { 10:38 PM }
reflections of you and me;

Monday, April 16, 2007

Happy Birthday!!

Hey peoples~!! I am ultimately happy today. Everything kinda went my way. School was ok, tuition was good, going to the mall with Haris n Azmi n the rest was fun too! I go there everytime after i finish tuition at A Plus cos one of em drives a car, so he just chills out with us at the mall. Haris was so panat just now! He escaped tuition! haha!

He was so hyper just now cos of something~ I don't know what. I'm guessing it was something concerning him and the gf~ I don't really wanna know! haha! Too bad I have a curfew~ Ugh. Sucks~ I told Azmi I was going home and he was like, "Aii! Boring jo ih~" In my heart I was all like awww~~ haha! He's a real gentleman, but also a bad ass. Now that's what I like about a guy! Someone who acts all tough with others, but is a real gentleman to the ladies. Shweet! Too bad, I think he's a playboy. What a waste right?

I just got off the phone with Hayley just now. We were talking about the other day at tuition! Ok let's rewind kay? Back to last Saturday.

Hayley and Hussy were waiting downstairs for me. I asked teacher to let me out early cos *ahem* I had to go somewhere at that time. Teacher was all like it's only 5 more min and blah blah. Trust me, I could care less! I really needed to get out of that place at that time. It was getting so boring I swear I was gonna fall asleep. While I was going down, I saw Rijal and his friends. They were like right in front of me. When I went downstairs, Hayley and Hussy were like freaking out, so I asked Hayley what was wrong and she told me that her phone dropped into the drain! The first thing I did was PANIC!!! She called Muiz to help her, but he was like so lagging, so I just decided to pick up the metal cover of the drain and just take her phone out. I was wearing a mini skirt mind you! Thank God it wasn't like really short. The metal cover wasn't that heavy at all actually. I guess she was really lucky cos the drain was like totally dry! After that, I went to our usual spot to smoke and these guys were trying to krim salam rah Hayley! Hussy was like so perasan! haha! He went Walaikumsalam! bahahaha!! In the end they shot him this sentence, "Aii, bhapa kn mo lelaki?!" I was like ouch! Talk about harsh! Can't they say something else? RUDE MUCH!! I hate guys like that. Like who the fuck do you think you are?

Well that was the end of the story. Well Hayley and I were laughing about it over the phone just now. I had to get off the phone cos I was like so hungry as I haven't had my din din yet! I couldn't really enjoy mi din din cos mi throat is killing me! Yeah~ I woke up with a major sore throat. I didn't wanna go to Chem practical just now cos my throat was killing me and I had to go to the clinic to check it out before I catch a fever cos that's what normally happens if I get a sore throat. I looked into the mirror and saw an ulcer on mi tonsils!

I called up 'K' just now and he answered! I was soo happy to hear his voice again! Turns out he had this huge test to study for. He started work already. His other friend is Ok already so thank God for that! We were like laughing the whole time over the phone and it was the best! I told him that I was going to go to the mall on Saturday and asked him if he could go there cos I had to celebrate Syirah's bday and give her her pressie hehe~ Thinking of giving her a red packet.

Simple and useful too! And it is a known fact that giving red packets to someone on their bday gives them lotsa luck! And I'm planning to buy her a small cake too. Maybe bake one myself~ We'll see how rajin I am hehe~ Now I'm like soo tired and sleepy. Have to present the freaking Bio project tomorrow~ Quite nervous. I have to teach the whole Bio class about enzymes. Can you say boring?! *sigh* Well atleast everything's turning the right side up now. Till tomorrow then~ tata~

&&LOVING YOU..IS EASY COS ITS BEAUTIFUL lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala~ dudududududum *screams*

~ { 6:02 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Randoms~

I know some of you guys haven't seen my baby bro before. So introducing the 2nd most lovable person in the fam is Lim Kun Yuan! (a.k.a Jeremy)

That guy right there, well that's my dad. I was going through the pics in my camera and well, I found this one. Somehow this pic just made me smile. It looks totally shu-weet and it's somehow so chio!

Hurm..Today was pretty much boring cos I couldn't go out. I was actually planning to chill out at Hayley's to just relax and spend some time out of the house. I hate being without my friends cos right now, I'm pretty stressed out. Mainly cos of 'K'. It's like I don't know when's the right time to text him up. There's this strong urge in me to text him up and see how he's doing, but I'm holding it back! No matter how tempting it is to text him up I'm not going to! I have to hold my feelings back now.

For the first time in my life, I'm holding back my feelings. *sigh* What to do right? I'll just have to try and get him outta my mind for awhile and cool off. Try and dim down my hopes cos the chances of me and him being a couple is like so little!! It kills me to even think about it. This is why I hate admire-nesh. It kills me. It takes up every inch of my emotions! I don't need this right now! I don't have time for this.

All I need now is my friends. I feel like crying, but I just can't. I don't want to. It's not worth it. It's not worth crying over something that doesn't even exist! It's just plain stupid to cry over worthless things. *sigh* The smile he gives me just melts me. I need to see him so bad! I wanna meet and talk to him like so bad. I would do anything to get rid of this feeling. ANYTHING !! As one of my friend once said~ "If it was an object I would burn it!"

It's like I see couples everywhere and it just kills me! Where is my perfect one?! *sigh* Normally people would just accept any guy who proposes to them first to get rid of this feeling,but I can't. I don't wanna do that anymore. I'm done with meaningless relationships! I want something that'll last. Something I can treasure and be proud of. I need a guy who I can bring out and meet people. Someone who I won't be ashamed of when I go out. And I'm hoping it's 'K'.

I know him being hot isn't like the most important issue, but I'm guessing it's cos he's different. He aint Bruneian so yeah~ I guess this is something new for me. A new challenge. A fresh start, but one problem, I don't know how he thinks. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he likes. So what I can do right now, is just be myself and see if things go my way. If it doesn't, then I guess I have to let this one go too.

Just now, I went to the tamu along with my parents and they brought my lil bro too. The place was so smoky! Gawd! I swear I felt like running out of that place so bad! sheesh~ tomorrow I got school..sucks..hope i cn go to the mall wit fizah durg.~ so need a ciggiee! well til tomorrow~ ciao

&&im missing you

~ { 5:10 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Saturday, April 14, 2007

A pain in d ass~

Right~ I haven't been bloggin for some time now~ Don't know why, just isn't in the mood. Well, nothing much has happened in the past few days, but some guy just came into my life. JUST LIKE that! Well I don't wanna be giving out names so Imma just call him 'K'. Well, we met at gadong, sort of through a friend~ He's really hawt! I'm like so addicted to him now. It's like we keep texting each other everyday, asking how both of us are doing and the normal stuff.

He usually offers to call me up cos he knows that it is quite expensive to text him cos he's using B-Mobile. Crappy, yes I know! Pisses me off sometimes. Why can't B-Mobile just give up? Sasax~ Newayzz~ Well, today I texted him up and well, he never replied, so being the majal person that I am, I texted him up again and the reply I got was so depressing~

K: Jessie, I'm in a really really bad mood cos last nite at around 1am one of my friend has just died in an accident and the other one is still unconcious,tats y..I hope you understand.

Gawd at THAT time I felt so idiotic~ I shouldn't have disturbed him. This Tuesday I'm planning to ask him to meet me up at Gadong and go cruising again, but I don't think he can make it as, well~ Duh! One of his friend just passed away! I can imagine the pain he's feeling now. While we were at the beach yesterday (the day his friend passed away) we were talking about how we won't know when we're gonna die and this thing happens! IRONIC!!

Right now I really don't know when's the right time to text him up. I guess I'm just gonna send him a nice good night message and tell him to cheer up cos I really can't stand the thought of him being sad. It makes me sad too cos we can't text and I just miss him a whole lot. When we were at the beach, he told me alot of things about himself and we got to know each other a whole lot better. He said that it was surprising too cos we just met like 3 days ago and we know so much bout each other.

I don't really know at this point, but what I know is, the feelins is coming back again. Something I haven't felt in quite a long time. Yes, Admire-nesh. I don't wanna col it love cos I'm not even sure yet. So I'm just gonna call this feeling Admire-nesh. Love is such a strong word. I've learned from the number of relationships and mistakes I've been through, I've learned that love is really complicated. I don't really wanna get into anything serious for the time being cos, I know that I'm just gonna end up hurting myself in the end.

*sigh* This issue is really starting to stress me out. At this point, I really can't be alone, I need my friends to help me forget this issue. Leave it behind for a moment. Other than this issue, I just fought with my mom. Just cos I asked for her permission to go to my friend's house! All she had to do was just say Yes or No. Instead~ She went on and on about how I never spend time with her and blah blah blah yada yada yada.

She said that I never cared bout my bro and all that. All I have to say is.."AM I A FUCKING BABYSITTER?!" Gawd! Use your brain!!!! She said that if my bro ended up being like my lil cuzzies then she's gonna blame it all on me! Ugh~ I was like how irresponsible can you get?! I'm not even gonna go on about it cos it'll just make me go mental!

*sigh* Someone please take this stress away! I can't take it anymore. It's like I solved all my problems and finally things were going the way they were supposed to be and then all these problems started popping up. Oh well~ I'm getting used to it anyways. It makes life more interesting...right? *bites lip*

&&i wish you loved me~

~ { 5:55 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Misunderstandingz~

Have you ever felt the feeling as if you just wanna crash your head into the wall? Well that's the feeling I'm having right now. It's like, just now in the morning Hary messaaged me, asking me to go online cos he needed to talk to me about something. I couldn't cos I had tuition in the morning and I had to accompnay my parents to lunch then go grocery shopping. I finally went online at Hayley's house when he told me that Apek thinks that I have a boyfriend. I was like WHAT!!! N he told me everything. Apek apparently went through my messages, which is an invasion of privacy by the way and he saw my ex's messages!

Alright, this ex of mine's name starts with the letter B so I'll col him 'B' ok? Well anyways, he read what B sent to me and it involved the whole darling2 syg2 thing. That's why Apek was hurt! Problem is, he thinks that I'm fooling him and I was trying so hard to explain everything to him, but in the end he shot me this very hurtful sentence..'I don't wanna be friends with you anymore'. So I just broke down and cry. Here's the full story bout me and B.

B and I were at first, really good friends. Until we started to like each other. We ended up being together and well, things went pretty well until he said that he didn't have feelings for me anymore! (JERK!!) So yeah, I was like if he didn't have feelings for me anymore then what's the use of us being together right? I broke it off there and my problem was solved. It took awhile to get rid of his memories, but I managed. A few months later, he texts me up saying that he wants me back and the whole cheesy story. I ofcourse, rejected him cos second chances are a definite no-no for him. The way he hurt me was enough thank you very much! Ofcourse, his messaging streak didn't stop there, he kept on messaging me with all those lovey-dovey words like syg and all the other shits! I didn't wanna hurt him so I just balas blik the whole syg2 thing, but you gotta get one thing straight! I never and I mean NEVER said the sentence 'I LOVE YOU' to him cos I would never do that. I'm single, meaning I can do whatever I want! If i have a boyfriend then ofcourse I'll tell him to stop messaging me already and I wont reply the whole syg2 thing. I would just ask him to fuck off! I don't even know why I'm tolerating him! He means nothing to me! Hear that Apek?!

Now, back to the whole Apek story. He read his messages and said that I was really good at keeping it low. When he started giving me the attitude I got sick of it! I was so damn fed up with him already! I just told him straight up that he can think what he wants to think and believe what he wants to believe cos honestly I'm done trying. I'm done trying to work our friendship out already. He can go his way and I go mine. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt me, but it hurt me alot!!! The feeling of losing a friend over some misunderstanding hurts me alot. He says that he has been trying to understand me, but I never give him a chance to explain himself to me and I never try and understand him.

I already do! I know he likes me alot and I know that he wants me to have feelings for him, but I just don't! I only like him as a friend and he says that it won't work! I know he'll feel hurt everytime he sees me, but what can I do right? It's not like I can force myself to like him. Hary said that he would try and talk to Apek, but I don't think it'll do me any good. I need to talk to him. Face to face, all guards down and have a heart to heart discussion with him. Can't he be happy to be just friends with me? Atleast I don't ignore him and run away from him!

I'm still talking to him like a friend! I treat him as like my close friend. Someone I can turn to for help and someone I can lepak with and talk to. There are only two really big reasons why I can't be with him:-

I don't have feelings for him.
I treat him as only a friend.
He's not my type.

I can't tell him the third reason cos knowing him, the sensitive person that he is, he'll be so hurt. *sigh* I told him just now before I went offline, that he had to make a decision. The million dollar question was 'Do you still want us to be friends or not?'. It was a simple yes or no question. If he says no then what can I do right? I can't force him to be friends with me cos a) It'll be really pathetic and b)I don't like to force people to do things they don't wanna do unless I have to.

I'm still waiting for an answer from him. Apart from the whole Apek thing, today went really great. Had tuition in the morning, ate lunch at Misato and lepak-ed at Hayley's crib. Her house is really nice! I love being there. It feels so homey! We got so bored that we hung out in the bathroom! Yes, now that is what I call bored to the max! I got school tomorrow, and mummy's asking me to stop so g2g! ciao~

&&wish my parents were overseas now. *sigh*

~ { 7:09 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Up & Running

Ok..So the bloggin hiatus has ended and now I'm gonna get this blog up and running again. There isn't really much to blog about, so I'm just gonna start off this blog on the happenings of yesterday night and today shall I?

Yesterday was alright. My mom came home finally and I was really happy to see my lil bro too! His two front teeth grew bigger haha! So adorable!! My mom bought me some stuff too. She bought me this grey Nike bag which is apparently a huge trend in Singapore now. I got this new necklace too. It's like this silver metal ribbon with ribbons and stuff. Very cute!

There's this new top she bought for me, but sadly it's like I need to find some jacket or something that'll match with it. I'm supposed to call Harris up right now cos I messaged him that I would, but my mom's still awake. I don't want her to get all mental on me later cos that would not be good. She isn't in the best mood right now. Can't really blame her though. Her day hasn't been exactly the best~ She got a flat tyre on the way to church just now in the afternoon and the bad luck streak didn't stop there! While she was fetching me home from tuition the car just died on us!

It ran outta petrol, so we had to ask the driver to go buy petrol n fill it up. I'm really lazy to like talk bout it right now cos it'll piss me the hell off! Gawd Harris isn't answering my call! Maybe he's asleep or something. Wait..did he just reject my col? Hurmz..yeap he's definitely busy cos I told him that if he was busy then just reject my col. Oh wells~ Oh wait~ He didn't answer! Hurmz~ Should be asleep. You guys may be wondering who this Harris guy is. Well I met him at ws on Tuesday. Hary's friend. Actually that was like the 2nd time I saw him.

The first time was a long time ago. Well, the first time I took a look at him, he's not HAWT just pretty. You know, pretty boys~ I asked Hary for his number and Hary helped me ask him. He gave it to me! Surprisingly~ His friends are all like really soft. Like you know, gay-ish~ Shh..haha! Just now, when I was walking to my car after tuition, I bumped into Akmal (Hary's friend). He looked surprisingly better~ Maybe it was cos it's dark or whatever. Yes, I know that sounded like an insult! It wasn't meant to be an insult ok! haha!

Hurm..well this is all I have for now I guess~

tata! xoxo

&&I TOLD U THERE WASN'T MUCH!

~ { 8:36 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Last day of hiatus!!

I know I never said nething bout a hiatus but..who cares..for those of u who read my blogs lyk everyday..*cough*wendy*cough* wawawa..u mite realise tat i havent been bloggin fer quite sum tym..malas lah..hehe bt today's d last day so yea..im startin agen tomorrowww...

&&HIATUS ENDING!

~ { 5:44 AM }
reflections of you and me;