Sunday, December 16, 2007

Another boring day..~~ i need my cigs

Hey peoples!! I'm stuck in the hotel room again alone. I seriously regret not bringing my cigarettes cause this is actually going to a good opportunity to smoke my depression away, since I'm all alone in the hotel room and is going to be alone in here for the next 4 to 5 hours. I'm leaving for Singapore tomorrow and some of you may wonder why I'm blogging instead of shopping. Well let me tell you. My dad actually put a $2000 or $3000 limit on the credit card and turns out my mom exceeded the limit by putting everything she buys on it. In return..the credit card's useless til my dad pays the bill.

She called my dad just now and they got into a fight and for what? duh..money..what else?? It's stupid I tell you. Tomorrow we're going back to Singapore and after tomorrow, which is Tuesday, my parents and I are going to Eastern Europe! I'm so praying to god that this will not turn out to be another annoying fight trip cos I will kill myself! My parents always fight during trips and I have to put up with it. They usually put out they're anger and frustrations on me! THAT IS THE WORST PART and I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT. I can't wait to get back to brunei actually. I wanna see my friends and I wanna celebrate new year's eve with all my friends around me. I wanna stay out late this time and actually have someone other than my parents or my driver send me home!

I wanna stay out til late at night. I wanna stay out til 2 or 3 or 4!! Or better yet...check into empire hotel wit Fiz. She's checking in there on new year's eve. Lucky her. I wanna go to that party at empire on new yr's eve. Everyone's saying that it's the bomb and it's sorta like a normal party with dancing and all that. Just hotter people. $50 per head. Expensive I know, but it's worth it I guess. There's a first time for everything right? And I gotta enjoy my holiday 24/7 cos next year it's gonna be cram cram time for me. More studies and less play. I'm not going to sit around like a lazy bum anymore. I can't afford to. My mom swamped me with tuition and honestly I can't wait to go back to flying colours for tuition. I miss my fag buddies over there.

I miss my tuition mates. We arranged last year to be in the same class together again this year. All of us in the same class. Aji aint sure if he's going to flying colours again or not next year. All I know is, Bahzi and Atai are gonna be in the same class as me next year. As for the rest of the classes like those pure science subs. I guss I'm gonna be alone. Cos they're mostly all in combine science classes. I actually begged both my parents to let me transfer to combine science class next year, but they won't let me. They told me that I have too much potential to just give it up just like that and I can't catch up with the subjects that I'm taking now because I'm not paying enough attention to my schoolwork.

God..I hate it that I used to be a braniac last time, before I turned into a rebel. I used to be a straight A student. A complete nerd. But after Primary 6~ Things changed. In Form 1..whooo..that was the worst year for me. I consider that one of the many turning points I have in my life. I was a bad apple..trust me. I made the wrong decisions and did things I regret doing now. My close friends should know how I was last time haha. I used to be a bully and a huge pain in the ass to alot of people. Alot of people still see me as that girl, but I've changed alot since then. I don't know how, but I just did by myself and on my own terms. I've cut down on the number of cigarettes I take per day, the way I treat myself, the way I treat people and on alot of other things.

I'm a completely different from what I was before. I think before I talk..unlike some people I know. *sigh* I haven't bought anything at all for my friends. I think I'm just gonna do some shopping after I reach Singapore. I'm gonna buy myself a bottle of expensive vodka though. My mom has officially allowed me to buy liquor! We just bought 2 bottles of champagne when we reached Singapore. My bottle of vodka is still half full at home. My mom apparently, wants to train me how to drink and not get drunk cos she said it will come to good use when I go abroad for studies. What a good excuse to learn how to drink. hahaha.

God I miss brunei so so much. I bought loads of stuff for myself though. I haven't found anything that my friends would actually like. I boughtself a pair of maryjane heels, a new bag, chain, pencil box, watch, ring and now I'm left with only a new wallet to find. I've not spent alot cos these few days during my holidays, I've just been sleeping alot. I don't know why, just been very very tired. Maybe it's cos of my sore throat. My throat's really really sore.

I just found out that I'm going back to Singapore tomorrow at night tomorrow like at 9 plus, and that meanss....yes...some of you must have guessed it already....SHOPPINGGGGG!!!! HEHEHE..My mom told me that she's gonna use her credit card if the cash isn't enough. No idea why, but she got a change of heart hahaha. Weird. Well..this is what happens. Her mood swings here and there and this is one of the advantages. I just finished watching Asian Idol and surprisingly, Singapore's Idol won.

I have to admit though, he is hot and his voice is really really nice too. Tomorrow I'm gonna get my hair done and go shopping for my wallet and all the presents i'm supposed to bring back. Long list and I gotta get them done like asap!!! Otherwise I have alot of dissapointed people back home when I get back haha. Ouh...i almost forgot, I gotta go hunting for this cigarette..I forgot the brand..SKL i think~ It's menthol cherry flavoured, I'm planning on getting about 5 boxes. Haha. It's not like I come to KL every week. I have to sleep early tonight as I have to go get alot of things done tomorrow. My dad's gonna be in Singapore to meet us up tomorrow in the airport. That is such a bummer cos then I don't know how the hell Im going to smoke at home.

He's for sure gonna be breathing down my neck and all that pushing me to do this and do that and everything has to be neat and perfect for his eyes or he'll blow up like a big ass christmas balloon. I need to figure out a way to hide my 5 packets of ciggies though. Might have to keep em with my grandma for the time being. Then slowly hide them into my luggage while my parents aren't looking, like at night or something. Life's one big adventure for me at times. hahaha..

Anyways..Azmi told me that he's going to get sent to London by his parents cos they said that he's gonna be worse here in Brunei and I was like huh? I blanked out for a moment and cried so hard I felt like I was gonna puke. I didn't want him to go..not like this. I love him *sigh* Do I really have to let him go? My friends...some told me to let go..some told me to not give up on it. I don't know. I can't accept the fact that the relationship's over. I just can't accept it. I'm so not over it! Not in a million years. But ofcourse I won't go suicidal over it. I won't cos that's just plain stupid..

Anyways...I'm off to bed now. I'll blog tomorrow again maybe. OUH.if i don't blog tomorrow, it means that I'm probably busy packing for my trip to eastern europe. I'm going on tuesday, which is the 18th and is going to be on hiatus for about 9-10 days. I'll blog when I get back from europe. DO NOT HOPE FOR PICS COS U'LL PROLLY GET SO CRUSHED. hahaha nights

&&I miss you..so so much.be mine again :( Please? *im down on my knees*

~ { 12:36 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Not so good day..but i shopped?!

Hey guys!! I'm free noww...Just got some free time to spare so I'm just gonna blog and then sleep after this. I'm in KL right now. Arrived just now in the morning. Was an early flight. Had to get up at 6 sumthing in the morning. I was like a sleepy ass monkey waddling my lazy butt everywhere in the airport. My mom was doing the checking in and as usual I was told to do luggage check and put em in the belt thingy~ Then it suddenly dawned on me....STARBUCKS. It was next to my friggin check-in row! I squeezed $10 from my mom and got myself a rasberry frappucino. Trust me..it's yum-my. I don't take coffee..blagh..don't need it. Haha..and tea? Nahh..too predictable. Rasberry Frappucino in the morning? Hah!! Not many people would drink that in the morning.

I noticed everyone in the line asking for expresso's with double shots and all that stuff and I was like heh?!..Does everyone need to act like coffee's the only thing that wakes them up in the morning? Most adults need coffee..some teens need coffee too. Duhh..that's why starbucks got so famous. Yesterday was bloody depressing. Azmi and I broke up. I asked him 2 days ago if he still loved me and he said no, so..I thought about it the whole night on whether to let him go or to just try and work on the relationship. The ending was..I couldn't leave him and at first I tried to talk to him nicely on the phone, but he just wasn't saying anything to me at all. He was literally 'silent'. It's like he didn't wanna talk to me at all.

So in the end..I figured that if I couldn't make myself leave him then I'll make him leave me. I broke down crying like hell on the phone and begged him to let me go and stop leaving me hanging on a string like this and he cried too. We were like two sad fucks crying over the phone. After he finally said that he'll let me go, he said sorry and told me that he had to put the phone down and I don't blame him cos i feel 10 times worse. I couldn't take it and cried the whole entire day. Bryant texted me up while I was on the phone with Azmi and I was like about to cry already, but I just kept my tears on hold for a few minutes while talking to Bry. He told me that he wanted to hang out at orchard rd and all so I was like oh ok.

After I hung up, I couldn't take it anymore and I burst out in tears. I cried so damn much. I have never cried that hard over a guy in my entire life. It's 7 months down the drain..the memories that I most probably will never ever get back again. I miss him so much. If only you guys could understand my pain. All the games and cheating and playing around are things I would totally give up if I just had another chance with him. It's too late now..i think..I don't know. Right now I don't even know what to do. I'm crying again..every letter I type now..tears keep running down my face. I can't think about this..cos everytime I do, I just break down in tears, but I can't help it. He's always popping up in my head!

Do I really love him that much? Issit really true that you won't know what you really had til u lost it? Is that phrase actually true? All these years of meaningless relationships and finally this guy comes around knocking on the door to my heart asking me to let him in and I did..I may not know it, but I've loved him more than any guy I've been with in the past and present! I'm not sure if he's the one or not, but all I know is that..he's different..he's not perfect, but he's close to perfect. He's the first guy I actually trusted and loved and gave my heart to. Eventhough I do play around, he's the only one I let into my heart. The rest are jux empty games.

I'm depressed without him. I haven't been eating for so long. I just have no appetite at all. If only he knew how deep I feel for him and how sorry I am for neglecting him in the past so much til he lost his love for me. I love him..I still do, but..the mistake has been done..and I doubt that it can be undone. If I could wish for anything in the world right now, I'd wish for us to be together once again. The only way to get rid of my stress is shopping. It's the only way to get rid of any unhappiness I have and I did go shopping just now and bought some stuff, but right after that..I feel depressed again as thoughts of him seep into my mind constantly as I see a happy couple pass me by.

Most of you may call me over-dramatic, but really..I love him so so much and I was so fucking stupid not to see it. He loved me..I know he did..and I took advantage of his love and trust for me. Alot of people have told him that I have been going out with guys to watch movies..couple seats..and not once did he ever scream at me about it. He just got pissed and kept quiet. All this time he has just been keeping quiet and he never once got furious at me. He never threw his temper out at me..well atleast not infront of me. I know he really really loves me..I would do anything to get him back now. I miss him terribly and I regret my decisions.

I wanna take everything back. Every word that hurt him I wanna take it all back. Every thing I did that hurt him I wanna un-do it. But can I? What's done is done and there's no turning back. Karma's gonna bite me in the ass and I know it. Issit already doing it's job? I don't know. Maybe this pain and depression is just the beginning..I don't know. I always thought that if he left me, I would be happier cos I would be free, but no..unfortunately no. I'm not happy, much less happier.

I called fizah right after I hung up on Azmi and Fidz talked to me. She told me this story about her friend and the friend's boyfriend. Well this happened during the puasa period. The friend's boyfriend called to say that he had a surprise for her(fidz's friend). He told her that he would be going over to her house so that they could sungkai together. The girl got really excited and cooked alot of food for sungkai and she waited for him to come by the house..Funny thing is..he never turned up. She waited and waited and sungkai was already over and he still didn't show up. She got really worried and she then received a phone call from the police and they told her that her boyfriend got into an accident.

She went to the area where he crashed and turned out he died instantly. Guess what the saddest part here is..she found a card and a tiny lil box in the passenger seat next to the driver's seat and she saw a ring inside the box. He was going to ask her to get engaged with him. After I heard the story..I broke down. It was so fucking sad to hear that that actually happened to someone. Fidz then told me the moral of the whole 'kisah'. She asked me first, which would I prefer...to put Azmi's life in my hands or in god's hands..which would hurt less? Ofcourse lah in MINE! DUH! I wouldn't let him die! NOT EVER! NOT IN A FUCKING MILLION YEARS!!! NOT FOR ETERNITY!!

I love him too damn much to see him die. Now I lost him and it has hurt me enough!! To see him die? Hah! I would kill myself on the spot, even if it involves me have to cut my neck with a damn spoon I would rather die if he dies..I love him..so so much..and I just want him to know that..who knows maybe he would come back to me right? It doesn't hurt to hope..I've cried so many tears..haven't stopped crying for 2 days..Fidz said that she wanted to see me and Azmi when I get back..they were so scared that I'd commit suicide or hurt myself..cos Seriously for the first time..I'm not afraid of pain..and I'm not afraid to die. Cos I realised that this pain..the pain of getting hit right in the heart and the feeling of ur heart dying..hurts more than anything else in the whole world...

&&Azmi I love you for eternity..Lost you..But it doesn't hurt to hope

~ { 8:42 AM }
reflections of you and me;

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

In singapore and hungry

Hey guyss..I haven't been blogging for so long as I thought that no one was reading my blog, but hey....turns out that i do have one very loyal fan. hahaha. I won't give out any names, but lets just say that he's a huge fan. I'm in singapore right now with my mom..as usual, visiting the grandparents. Bry, one of my besties is in singapore too so that's a relief. Atleast I have someone to hang out with when I'm bored. I do need my mom too at times lol. Going out alone means limited cash. Going out with mommy means..'credit card please' hehe. Clever aren't I? uh huhhh. When it comes to these kind of things, I'm good. When it comes to schoolwork..I'm..let's just say..not really interested. Haha.

I'll be in form 5 next year..Gawd..O levels..I absolutely cannot stress out less about that issue. My mom's like piling up alot of tuition classes on me, so I doubt I have much time to spare in gadong anymore. *sigh* Now I know how it feels when you take o levels. Well I guess after all that suffering, it's gonna be all worth it cause there's a long, long holiday ahead after the exam. It's a one month exam though...*sigh* I have no idea how I am gonna cope next year. Give up my non-serious schoolwork days..and go all nerd-tastic on mahself.

My cousins are sleeping over my house til I get back to brunei. God my mom just won't leave me alone and Azmi isn't even replying any of my messages..Syair picked up the phone just now and he told me that Azmi got really pissed when he tried to wake him up. He threw things at Syair and slammed the door shut. He locked the damn door and didn't wanna go back out. *sigh* I really don't know what to do now. It's like..I'm afraid to lose him and I don't know why. Maybe it's cos of the fact that we've been together for like 9 months already. I really don't know. Or maybe I'm afraid that it'll get really awkward cos he knows alot of my friends. Or maybe..someone sabo our realtionship...the only thing I can think of right now is he cheated on me. I know most people would say that he wont do that to me..but there's no gurantee. Seriously, i'd rather he tell me that he doesn't love me anymore than to leave me for some other girl or is cheating with some other girl cos that would knock my pride 7 feet deep into the fucking ground. I just hate being in relationships in brunei cos it's like..wherever u go..ppl talk and soon gossip happens and the realtionship's toast.

I know that in relationships, both the couples have to trust each other and talk things out with each other and just now give up on the relationship..but in this case..i don't know. I'm just ready-ing myself to get my heart broken...again for the ten millionth time. If he leaves me..it's not like I have no other choices..but he's the first one that I have ever been with..the only relationship that got this far. I have met his parents already and he's the most protective boyfriend ever. Can I help it if my heart wanders around too much? I don't know what's happening. I seriously don't and Apek..I have a feeling that he has sumthing to do wit this cos he told me that his friend saw me with another guy whom he apparently thought was my boyfriend. He kept insisting and insisting til finally last night I snapped at him and told him to fuck off cos he was a pain in the ass.

He started telling me his stupid sad sob story telling me that he kept alot of things from me cos he didn't want me to get hurt and why I couldn't see that. Hello! NEWS FLASH! In case he hasn't found out, the things that might even hurt me..he has to tell me. As a friend..he should have told me cos I deserve to know! I don't wanna be like a fool going about my days not knowing about anything at all..then he suddenly brought up stuff that weren't evenr elevant like how i kept things from him too. I kept things from him cos I didn't want any trouble between him and his friends. He doesn't even have any real friends. Like seriously. Gawd..he can just be a huge pain in the ass at times. I just need to relax and take my mind off this issue

If Azmi doesn't wanna contact me nemore then fineee..be it..cos I am so sick n tired of this kind of shit. Seriously..next year it's form 5 and I can't afford to put up with everyone's shit. I have to put up with my parents and other people's too. Now my friggin neck is hurting and I have no idea why the hell i feel as though as I'm going to get a fever. Mayb it's just me..but seriously, the right side of my throat hurts like hell now and it's connecting to my head. I can actually feel my head hurt when I try to swallow my saliva!

Stupid weather..Everything's just pissing me off nowadays and now I have stupid people from around the apartment using my wireless internet! Gawd can't these people buy their own n just use it? I can't take it anymore..now my mom won't go over to the next room to sleep..it's so torturing..now I have to find a way to smoke..if I didn't look like shit now, I would go downstairs to smoke..but the problem is..I look like shit now..the people downstairs..mostly are my cousin's friends n the hot neighbours..so i can't really look like crap going downstairs..

Have to actually look ok~~ and not crazy-like..which is my current look haha. Gawd..the problem now is I need to smoke and I can't cos now I have to wait til every one's asleep then I can go to the kitchen and smoke throught the big ass window and watch people pass by. If I'm lucky, I can actually catch a couple fighting downstairs. I actually did try that once and I ended up getting so pissed that I threw a huge block of ice downstairs onto the car and i think I dented their car. Hey! They deserved it for disturbing my peaceful time.

Right now, I've been having alot of people crushing on me lol. I have no idea why. Not exactly crushing..just like disturbing me and all that. My status right now is totally complicated..First hakeem..then azmi..now..ugh! God! I feel like crying already. It's just so so ..eeee..complicateddd!!! *screams* I need to shop..so badly..

I need to smoke..most importantly..call someone!!!! I need to talk to someone so badly and I wish right now that I had a prima elite line..unlimited phonecalls for only $250 a month.wow.~

I don't see what's so hard in just paying $250 a month. It's better than paying my home phone bills and buying my easi cards cos it's gonna cost so much more. N no matter how many times they keep nagging on me..i'll never change that habit. Talking on the phone has become a hobby of minee..Seriously that hobby will never change. I can never live without my phone. Once my mom took it away and I took my grandma's phone and used it to my advantage lol. I used the prima elite advantage (:. Unlimited callss babyyy

I really really need to get my nails done tomorrow. I just can't find a decent manicure place to do my nails. I'm thinking of getting gel nail extensions. My grandma told me to save time and just go to KL and get them done. She just went out and got me a pack of cigs. VICEROY baby. The brand I've been longing to get ever since my cousins bought em in Singapore. They won't get me a pack. Let's just say, they don't really encourage me smoking. I have no idea why. I think they had a conference or something on the issue of me smoking.

Oh I just heard Chris brown's new song, with you. It's the bomb! Pure heaven. I've memorised the lyircs in like 2 days haha. There's another song called This Christmas by chris borwn too. It's the bomb. Christmas song re-invented! He made christmas so chris brown-ny..I know that sounded weird. but yeah I can't deny that I'm a die-hard fan of his. Haha. God i'll be 17 next yr (: one more year til I get my freedom baby. I just called Azmi and asked him if he still loves me or not and he said that he's afraid to say no cos he knows that if ihe says no then i'll leave him and he's afraid of that. It doesn't make any sense at all actually. He said that if he sees me around gadong..which he will cos it's my 2nd home, he'll feel all weird and it'll destroy his mood and he'll want me back..whereas me, at that time will enjoy my time being so so single and forget all about him and leave him in the dust.

It's true actually the fact that guys..they break up with you and then when they see you with someone else, they just want you back all of a sudden. It's funny that way. It's like they can't get over their stupid pride. No offense to you guys out there. It's true actually..well for most of em. I'm going to KL this saturday and I'm hoping that my mom will actuaqlly let me buy my stuff this time. Like no more giving me stupid excuses on why i souldn't buy the things that i wanna buy cos it's too damn expensive and I don't work for the money yet. That excuse is so done and over! It's not like I haven't figured out that she's just using that as an excuse so that she can use my red-packet money which my grandma gave to me. It's so stupid actually. My grandma and me bitch about her all the time.

Oh btw..if you guys find me talking about my mother this way wrong..SUCK IT UP. cos it's reality. Sucky mother..daughter bitches about her. Makes sense no? If you can't live with that fact then I suggest you navigate away from this page. SERIOUSLY. I had this reader read my page once and he/she..being the moron that he/she is..commented on the post I made about my mom being rude and told me that i souldn't do that cos my mom spent 9months suffering for me. Guess what? It doesn't apply anymore! I found out from my dad that my mom actually didn't wanna have a baby cos she was too damn worried bout her ownself so technically she didn't give birth to me on her own terms.

Selfish innit? And now she wants to take my cash away from me? Oh puh-lease. Im not that naive. U can see through her ways. It's not that hard to see her true face actually. She can so so transparent at time. Well most of the time. My uncle just told me that eastern-europe aint that fun cos he's been there before. And guess what..I'm going there for my end of year holidays. It's so so so damn stupid. I told her that I wanted to go to LA and she said no and went to book the friggin trip to eastern europe instead.

I miss brunei.. I miss my hometown *sigh*. I hate being homesick. It's getting me all frustrated and irritable. Thank god my cousins are sleeping over. Atleast They'll take the boredom away..they're taking my cigarettes away too! They think I don't notice them stealing my ciggies. Yes i do. I just shut up about it cos sooner or later I'm catching them red handed. They're not that good in the whole stealing business. They make too much noisse when they enter the room. They keep making me let them stay in my room for the night cos they know that my room has a window and they can smoke and they don't have to go all the way downstairs to smoke. They're stupid~

Duh!! There's a big ass window in the kitchen that they can smoke through. They just have to wait til everyone goes to sleep first. My bad..they can't wait that long. Haha. Anyways..i'll blog later on again if anything interesting happens or if i feel like blogging. Til then..tata (:

&&with you with you with you with you with you

~ { 2:24 AM }
reflections of you and me;