Not so good day..but i shopped?!
Hey guys!! I'm free noww...Just got some free time to spare so I'm just gonna blog and then sleep after this. I'm in KL right now. Arrived just now in the morning. Was an early flight. Had to get up at 6 sumthing in the morning. I was like a sleepy ass monkey waddling my lazy butt everywhere in the airport. My mom was doing the checking in and as usual I was told to do luggage check and put em in the belt thingy~ Then it suddenly dawned on me....STARBUCKS. It was next to my friggin check-in row! I squeezed $10 from my mom and got myself a rasberry frappucino. Trust me..it's yum-my. I don't take coffee..blagh..don't need it. Haha..and tea? Nahh..too predictable. Rasberry Frappucino in the morning? Hah!! Not many people would drink that in the morning. I noticed everyone in the line asking for expresso's with double shots and all that stuff and I was like heh?!..Does everyone need to act like coffee's the only thing that wakes them up in the morning? Most adults need coffee..some teens need coffee too. Duhh..that's why starbucks got so famous. Yesterday was bloody depressing. Azmi and I broke up. I asked him 2 days ago if he still loved me and he said no, so..I thought about it the whole night on whether to let him go or to just try and work on the relationship. The ending was..I couldn't leave him and at first I tried to talk to him nicely on the phone, but he just wasn't saying anything to me at all. He was literally 'silent'. It's like he didn't wanna talk to me at all.So in the end..I figured that if I couldn't make myself leave him then I'll make him leave me. I broke down crying like hell on the phone and begged him to let me go and stop leaving me hanging on a string like this and he cried too. We were like two sad fucks crying over the phone. After he finally said that he'll let me go, he said sorry and told me that he had to put the phone down and I don't blame him cos i feel 10 times worse. I couldn't take it and cried the whole entire day. Bryant texted me up while I was on the phone with Azmi and I was like about to cry already, but I just kept my tears on hold for a few minutes while talking to Bry. He told me that he wanted to hang out at orchard rd and all so I was like oh ok. After I hung up, I couldn't take it anymore and I burst out in tears. I cried so damn much. I have never cried that hard over a guy in my entire life. It's 7 months down the drain..the memories that I most probably will never ever get back again. I miss him so much. If only you guys could understand my pain. All the games and cheating and playing around are things I would totally give up if I just had another chance with him. It's too late now..i think..I don't know. Right now I don't even know what to do. I'm crying again..every letter I type now..tears keep running down my face. I can't think about this..cos everytime I do, I just break down in tears, but I can't help it. He's always popping up in my head!Do I really love him that much? Issit really true that you won't know what you really had til u lost it? Is that phrase actually true? All these years of meaningless relationships and finally this guy comes around knocking on the door to my heart asking me to let him in and I did..I may not know it, but I've loved him more than any guy I've been with in the past and present! I'm not sure if he's the one or not, but all I know is that..he's different..he's not perfect, but he's close to perfect. He's the first guy I actually trusted and loved and gave my heart to. Eventhough I do play around, he's the only one I let into my heart. The rest are jux empty games.I'm depressed without him. I haven't been eating for so long. I just have no appetite at all. If only he knew how deep I feel for him and how sorry I am for neglecting him in the past so much til he lost his love for me. I love him..I still do, but..the mistake has been done..and I doubt that it can be undone. If I could wish for anything in the world right now, I'd wish for us to be together once again. The only way to get rid of my stress is shopping. It's the only way to get rid of any unhappiness I have and I did go shopping just now and bought some stuff, but right after that..I feel depressed again as thoughts of him seep into my mind constantly as I see a happy couple pass me by.Most of you may call me over-dramatic, but really..I love him so so much and I was so fucking stupid not to see it. He loved me..I know he did..and I took advantage of his love and trust for me. Alot of people have told him that I have been going out with guys to watch movies..couple seats..and not once did he ever scream at me about it. He just got pissed and kept quiet. All this time he has just been keeping quiet and he never once got furious at me. He never threw his temper out at me..well atleast not infront of me. I know he really really loves me..I would do anything to get him back now. I miss him terribly and I regret my decisions. I wanna take everything back. Every word that hurt him I wanna take it all back. Every thing I did that hurt him I wanna un-do it. But can I? What's done is done and there's no turning back. Karma's gonna bite me in the ass and I know it. Issit already doing it's job? I don't know. Maybe this pain and depression is just the beginning..I don't know. I always thought that if he left me, I would be happier cos I would be free, but no..unfortunately no. I'm not happy, much less happier. I called fizah right after I hung up on Azmi and Fidz talked to me. She told me this story about her friend and the friend's boyfriend. Well this happened during the puasa period. The friend's boyfriend called to say that he had a surprise for her(fidz's friend). He told her that he would be going over to her house so that they could sungkai together. The girl got really excited and cooked alot of food for sungkai and she waited for him to come by the house..Funny thing is..he never turned up. She waited and waited and sungkai was already over and he still didn't show up. She got really worried and she then received a phone call from the police and they told her that her boyfriend got into an accident.She went to the area where he crashed and turned out he died instantly. Guess what the saddest part here is..she found a card and a tiny lil box in the passenger seat next to the driver's seat and she saw a ring inside the box. He was going to ask her to get engaged with him. After I heard the story..I broke down. It was so fucking sad to hear that that actually happened to someone. Fidz then told me the moral of the whole 'kisah'. She asked me first, which would I prefer...to put Azmi's life in my hands or in god's hands..which would hurt less? Ofcourse lah in MINE! DUH! I wouldn't let him die! NOT EVER! NOT IN A FUCKING MILLION YEARS!!! NOT FOR ETERNITY!! I love him too damn much to see him die. Now I lost him and it has hurt me enough!! To see him die? Hah! I would kill myself on the spot, even if it involves me have to cut my neck with a damn spoon I would rather die if he dies..I love him..so so much..and I just want him to know that..who knows maybe he would come back to me right? It doesn't hurt to hope..I've cried so many tears..haven't stopped crying for 2 days..Fidz said that she wanted to see me and Azmi when I get back..they were so scared that I'd commit suicide or hurt myself..cos Seriously for the first time..I'm not afraid of pain..and I'm not afraid to die. Cos I realised that this pain..the pain of getting hit right in the heart and the feeling of ur heart dying..hurts more than anything else in the whole world...&&Azmi I love you for eternity..Lost you..But it doesn't hurt to hope
