Orientation on Monday...
I just got my college folder. I got accepted~ Monday's gonna be orientation day. It goes on for 3 days so normal lessons will start only on Thursday. Its gonna be a long ass day. On the third day, we'll have to wear our sport attires as there will be activities for us. Don't know what kind of activites, but just a wild guess...sports? *sense the sarcasm*

The BF has been worrying a lot lately as college will take up abit of our time. When I say 'our' I mean it'll take up our time spent together. College starts at 7.30am and ends around 3 in the afternoon. If there are any other activities like meetings or shit like that, we'll probably have to stay til 4.30 or later which sucks real bad.

The whole folder includes various forms and the ever boring 'rule book'. It says we're not allowed out during PS (Private Study) and blah blah blah. Scary to me at first cos it seemed sooo strict, but I guess you just have to get used to the college and learn the ropes. Then it'll be all good. Kinda nervous about orientation though. A lot of my friends are going to Katok which sucks. I don't even know how I got into my college. I heard from the BF's dad that my house isn't in the school's area range. I'm supposed to be going to Katok as well, but this college will do just fine.

A lot of pressure though from my dad. He keeps going on and on about my study habits and shit. Time management..blah blah..time management..blah blah...TIME MANAGEMENT..blah blah bloody blah!

Everything's sorta pressing me down. Everyone's not really helping me with college. TIME TIME TIME~! Everything concerns time. Not enough time spent with him..Not enough time spent on my studies..Not enough time spent outdoors. What the hell...seems like 24 hours just isn't enough for one day. Why 24 hours?! Why can't it be more? I haven't even started college yet and things are already fuckin stressful.

I just don't need no drama when I start off college. None of that socializing bullshit. Dealt with it since Form 1 and I aint bringing my highschool nightmares to college. No way in hell, point blank.

Today was the same as yesterday except my dad changed my lights. He bought and installed this amazing-looking chandelier in my bedroom. Since my old lights weren't bright enough for my room and the bulbs weren't the energy-saving types, he changed the whole damn thing. My room is now bright as hell. Thank god its brightness can be adjusted. It looks like a mini version of the one that hangs on the living room ceiling. VERY pretty~ I didn't really think that it would be that beautiful, but shit, I underestimated my dad real bad.

Now I'll finally be able to enjoy the brightness of my room. Try changing the amount of light in your room. It actually changes the way you look at it. Looks better when its bright. It actually depends on your taste. If you like things a lil bit darker then you might like your room without so much light...if not then yeah like me, you love the light. I hate the dark. Phobia~ I am sinking in shame...~

Anyways..I shall sign off here. Ciao readers.









&&shine baby shine!

What if I didn't need it?
What if I didn't need all the shit that has been put right out in front of me? Would I be happier living life the way it should be? No luxury..Just flat out normal life. No fake smiles, no curfews, no intense drama...Just plain ol' life.

Would it be much easier or just abit TOO easy? I sometimes ponder on the fact that maybe life is easy. But its just the person who's living it that makes it harder. The world is God's little prison for us. We serve our sentence and he decides when our times are up. Just like normal prison, we usually stay long enough to have met wonderful people called friends and maybe even find that special someone. Drama occurs every now and then..some are worked out, some just left to dangle for a lifetime.

Enemies are made and hatred is formed. All part of the wonderful experience called life. Not one of us can escape any of its processes. But aint it a shame for those who get pulled out of it so quickly. You never know just when your time's up. It could be any day or any minute. Most of us are afraid of death itself. I've heard this timelessly 'Death is but a gift from God'. Is it really? For those who have lived a harsh life, they will agree to this immediately, but for those who have lived life in its lushness will think before agreeing to this quote.

The loss of a loved one..is amazingly far greater than any other emotion. Though the thought of them finally receiving an eternity of happiness is an enjoyable one. I've heard stories and theories on how heaven is like and how the 'end of the world' or 'apocalypse' as some may call it, is near. When does it happen? How does it happen and what will really happen? I myself is afraid of death itself. But the end of days? I dare not even question its reality.

I aim to fulfill as much of my goals in life as time permits. Everyone does too actually. Fear is one of the many thoughts or emotion that holds us back from really fulfilling most things we want to do in life. I try hard not to let it get in my way and although it does occasionally, I do not let it get in the way of the things that matter most to me in my life. We all want to be a better person in life. Almost everyone wants life in its best quality, but what if we can't have it? What if..it isn't what God has planned for us? Sucks doesn't it when the thing you want just can't be taken nor bought. Frustrating, really.

A family with 2 children. A good husband. A nice house. Home will sound as sweet as it did almost 10 years ago. That is what I want in life. Hopefully in the near future I'll get it...yes hope. Hope is what all of us can do for things we are not sure of. Faith is another important value in life. Having faith will crush some of our hearts at times, but at most..it keeps us from the negativity life may bring. Negativity isn't one of the things I try to take in. All it does is create more pain and worries for me.

Moping over the same shit time and time again. A waste of time..that's what it is. I do appreciate a little time spent alone at home from time to time. But I really just wanna get out there and see the world. Travel..meet new people and breath in the intoxicated air that surrounds the world. Pollution is one of the poisons in life. Can we escape it? Unfortunately not. As long as smoke is still around. Pollution aint nowhere further.

Anger used to be the way I led my life, but then one day I just realized that anger is such a tiring and wasteful feeling. So to speak in beauty's point of view. WRINKLES are formed. Nowadays surgeries like botox are done to remove these so-called wisdom lines. Thank God for modern technology I guess. I do wonder though...how were the old times? The Golden Age? When life was linean and sweet. Why did it turn its back on most of us now? Why did it just turn all sour on us?

No matter how long you think about that question...An answer will never turn up. Most of our questions about life only end up with theories. None proven.







&&my thoughts

Boring wednesday morning
I don't mean to sound negative, but I have a huge feeling that today will be majorly boring. I've tried asking everyone if they're free later and it seems like I'm the only bum that's free.

Everyone has something to do later and I feel so left out~ Oh well..let's hope something interesting pops up later. Today was alright. Went to the BF's house just now and bought some dvd's after.

I bought Madagascar 2 finally and it isn't quite what I expected. Not really all that funny. Yeah it was funny but not all what I expected. I expected a 'Oh my god I can't stop laughing' kinda funny but no. Unfortunately not.

I bought a few other dvd's as well but they're all at the BF's house. He borrowed them. Guess I'll be watching my dvd's tomorrow then. If I'm lucky enough, the baju kurung that my grandmother sent to the tailor is ready. Then I can finally see the finished product.

Its either that or my acceptance letter is out already. I'm kinda praying for both here. My parents have been on my case about the whole acceptance letter thing. What's the big deal anyways? Its not like I'm the one who's controlling the college.

As if I can just waltz into there and ask them to hurry their asses up..although I would love to, but hell no.

Its around 4.12am on a Wednesday now. Why am I not asleep yet? Its what red bull does to you. I know most of you guys are probably questioning my dimwitted decision to drink it at night and my answer is this..migrane + red bull= no more migrane.

Seriously it cures your headaches too. Apparently it energizes you right? And by energizing you, it takes away the migrane. It only works if your headaches are due to sleepiness or when you're really tired.

I just realized that I haven't gotten my school shoes and socks yet. Shit! Well I finally got something to do tomorrow. I'm looking for those that look like flats. Not the boring ol school shoes you see at those indian shops. Nothing against people who buy them there but I realized that they don't tend to last long. Not really the most durable shoes in the world. The pair that I'm getting has to last for two years. I have shopping for school shoes so it'll be a huge bummer for me if the pair that I buy goes bye bye.

Oh btw I can't really change the colour of my font cos I'm actually blogging on my phone. I really need to get myself a laptop. Are macbooks any good though? A few years ago, they weren't the best choice of laptops. But I've seen the one my aunt has and it doesn't seem too bad.

They do fix it here now too at the Kiulap apple shop, so I guess that can be considered. Its either a macbook or a dell. My dad already has an acer so I can't really get the same one. Its all about variety.

There are a number of things I wanna take off my to-do list. But the important things are to get atleast a B for my english this year, get my driving license by december and get myself a laptop.

Pretty hard to accomplish those cos they require alot of hard work. How does the license and laptop require hard work? I need to really work hard on persuading my parents to let me get both of those things.

Trust is'nt one of the many things that my parents have towards me. And I personally don't blame them at all. But I'm turning 18 this year and they can't really expect me to go on without a license forever. 3 important things to get done before the year does. Oh god I hope I get to complete all of em.

Anyways I'm getting really sleepy now, finally so I'm gonna get some shut eye. Night readers! Ciao bello.

Cant wait for it
God I cant wait for college any longer! Im gonna check tomorrow for the acceptance letter at school. I got my uniform and everything already.

The only thing I have to get through is orientation. and its normal assignments and exams time.

I hope this year I can finally start off fresh. You know, new school..new environment..new people. This is'nt gonna be high school no more and studying isn't gonna be as easy anymore.

Responsibilities pile up and the whole burning the midnight oil method wont work anymore.

I cant believe it worked for my o levels though. Im not questioning it, but yeah, im not gonna talk bout it anymore. Not gonna jinx it. Haha yeah im kinda supersticious bout these kinda things.

Im so through with boring days at home with shit to do. I need to finally do something more productive with my time. I may hate the stress that college will put on me along the road, but its for my future.

Future's in my hands and nobody else's. Well that's what my dad says and I do believe it. I need my A levels or its bye bye to my dream of getting into NUS.

If im lucky my parents might propose on sending me to Singapore again for my second year of college. I love it there. Its just so peaceful there. The environment there is just right for me..especially my grandparent's apartment.

Even the BF loves it there. He's been chasing me to move there for the longest time. I dont really have a problem with it. Its just the thought of being away from my family here now that scares me. Now that I've bonded with them and everything, its hard to just leave.

Im not trying to be a drama queen or anything but, I have never ever bonded with my family (excluding my mom) like this before. I went grocery shopping with my grandmother (the one in brunei now) which I've never done before cos I was always out with my friends or just could'nt be bothered, I went swimming and bowling at Empire with my aunt, uncle and little cousins and I spent time with my dad just watching dvds at night.

If they actually do agree on sending me to Singapore to continue my education, im gonna miss all of this and I swear the homesickness will drive me insane. Been there, done that.

But if I actually did go though, I would finally get the freedom I've always wanted. First I would need to get my driving license first though so I can drive myself around while I'm there.

My dad bought a car there for my granddad and I can use it from time to time. Everything will have its own place and time. I should'nt rush anything just for my freedom. Shit..I just remembered. I haven't called my grandma for a long time. Guess I'll call her tomorrow before going to see the BF.

Need to see how she's doing. How everyone's doing actually. Cos if I remember right, I didn't see both of my uncles the whole time I was there.

Both were away for work. Only difference was that one was all the way in New Zealand and the other was living in the hotel where he works. I hope my uncle who's in New Zealand comes back soon. I miss him a whole fucking lot. He was the joker of the family there so without him, the house has been a little quiet.

And hey his friends aren't that bad looking either. A girl can't help but take a little peek. Anyways I just realized that I'm rambling again, so before I bore you readers to sleep, I'll stop here. I'm sleepy anyways :p ciao bello! Til tomorrow ~

Good day...with a few road bumps
Don't you just hate it when some idiot decides to just destroy your mood? Bet you guys have been there a million times. So have I~ I'm in it right now..chatting to this idiotic dwarf who won't get off my back. I'm dealing with it...~

Today was ok actually. Went by the BF's house and chilled. Mom was supposed to go to Singapore just now in the evening, but being the 'person' that she is, she missed her flight. A grown 44 year old business woman missed her own flight. She's supposedly a business woman and she can miss her flight...cos she was eating her dinner. WOW. Shocked the hell outta me and yet no..not really cos she does this-ALOT.

So I don't know when her next flight's gonna be and I'm hoping tomorrow cos then my dad wouldn't cancel his. I want them both to actually go so I can have atleast a bit of freedom til school starts. Gotta go call up my school tomorrow to see if they've got my acceptance letter from MD yet. Hopefully I'll get accepted.

The whole day has been mostly about anger. Well...my dad's the one who didn't have a good day actually. Had to deal with 'the wife' which is never a good thing. I really don't get it. If he's in so much torture, why not just file for divorce? Make life a lil easier for him. He has to take care of alot of things. Alot of responsibilities...I feel really bad for him sometimes. Most of yall may actually question why I am the way I am towards my own mother.

Well, to narrow everything down...She needs the whole world to revolve around her. She's just a difficult woman. Quite impossible to deal with her cos you can't understand the way she actually thinks. People who are close to me...you guys should know what I'm talking bout.

There are loads of people like her in the world and around us. I just need to know how to deal with these kind of people and the best way is to not lose your cool and breath. If that doesn't work, I usually just avoid em. I have one bothering me online right now.

Keeps going on and on about her and her stupid day. It gets to me, but then I calm myself down and think. Why spend time getting mad at someone that's pathetic enough to feed on other people's misery right? The only reason she brags to somebody is for someone envy her. Why give her what she wants? Everybody knows for a fact that she's not the love-able kind, so why be jealous? There's one thing I learnt last year from a very wise person that whenever you get mad...Use this meathod. SIT. Not sit as in sit down, but 'SIT' which stands for Sit, Inhale and Think. That's what you need to do. Simply calm your angry ass down and think.

Its actually a fact that your brain goes haywire when you're in a panicky state or when you get mad. So calm down and think. It works wonders for me and hopefully it'll do you good.

Anger hasn't been one of my best traits, but its change-able. I try to hold my temper down. I used to be very impulsive and pissy, which is a very immature way to deal with shit. I'm 18 now. Gotta learn how to deal with the shitty things that happen in my life. Its not like they're every going away right? Destroying things around me and screaming at people will just make my problems worse. If I destroy things, I'll get scolded when my dad hears about it, if I scream at people, it'll either start a big fight or make a fight even worse.

The BF used to have anger issues too, til I screamed at him and told him to change, which is pretty ironic. God I'm so sleepy now~ I'll end my rants here. Til tomorrow. Ciao bello (:









&&pump ur brakes before I crash you :)

Tiring day~
Why the hell does life always turn its back on you when you're actually nearing that happy point of your life? Something bad just has to happen and slap you in the face. I'm abit grumpy right now, considering the fact that I haven't slept for more than 24 hours. I couldn't really sleep last night. I fell asleep for awhile last night and woke up at 1 in the morning~

Then I remembered that I was supposed to be on the phone with the BF. He was kinda asleep too, so yay...lucky me~ Things were ok and we talked and laughed and everything, but in the morning, when I finally fell asleep, my head started to mess with me. Nasty ass dreams...screwed up seriously. Realistic, but screwed up to the maximum.

I called Azmi up immediately and started bawling my eyes out cos I was...scared...*shut up* He comforted me and everything, then I don't know how the hell it happened, but then this topic came up and we had this stupid arguement. Now he's asleep cos he 'claims' that he didn't sleep the whole day, neither did I, you don't see me rolling around with a big ass migrane. I had to go grocery shopping with my grandmother in the morning!

Things didn't go too well with me today and I'm kinda hoping that tomorrow will actually boost up my mood cos I aint in the best shape to actually 'socialize' with people right now. Might actually scratch someone's face off. Not literally~

Life just doesn't actually seem to excite me anymore. Nothing interesting happens. Atleast college's gonna start soon and we'll see how that works out for me. I've felt like this before..once~ and I didn't like it. It feels as though the meaning of life just doesn't actually appeal to you anymore. I don't know why I suddenly feel this way right now, but its...the heart I guess. Maybe I need some sort of change. Something to turn me over and maybe change the way I think a little bit or give me something interesting in my life. A new hobby perhaps?

Its actually true when people say that without the bumps in life, it'll be hella boring. I actually do support that phrase right now. I have nothing to do lately and its driving me nuts. Its the same ol' routine everyday. The only interesting thing that happened was Valentine's Day and now its over. Some of my friends are going overseas to do their foundations and frankly speaking, I kinda envy them now. Atleast they get to experience something new, whereas I'm stuck here. 18 years of my life and its still the same study experience. Kinda bores me~

Hopefully this year won't be stressful. When I say a little bit of change, I do not mean extra pressure nor stress. Some of you may get what I'm talking about, some of you might not, but don't mind me. I'm just ranting my heart out so just let me (:

My grandmother actually brought me to the tailor just now to get my school uniform done and make 2 sets of baju kurung. I don't know why the sudden nice-ness, but oh well~ I aint complaining. One was purple and the other pink. Baju kurung looks nice on almost everybody. I have observed people who wear them and you can hardly spot anything wrong with it, unless it doesn't actually fit them or if the colour and pattern is horrific, but other than that....it looks great on everyone. Perfect fits.

I can't wait to see them after they're done. I feel like cleaning up my room right now. Aint got shit to do, so might as well start cleaning up my room right? Maybe sleep early tonight and do it tomorrow morning. Perhaps..perhaps.~ I just cleaned it up not too long ago actually, but knowing the clutz I am and the mess I love making when I rush....the neat-ness of it all just fades away in an instant.

Anyways, I gotta go call the BF up. So til tomorrow....ciao bello :)









&&life as it seems

Valentine's Day (: oh so sweet
Today's Valentine's day and it was the best. BF took me to his place and set up a really nice lunch..candle lit~ Haha..it was in the afternoon though..but he closed the curtains and it was dark, so it kinda set the ambience. We had sushi and he gave me my presents. I felt soo bad cos all I did was make him a card. A really nice one! Haha, I put alot of work into it.

He put alot of work into the whole thing. I can tell from the eyebags. We watched the Grudge 3 together and yeah, the whole day was just perfection! It was so sweet of him to do everything. I'm really looking forward to our anniversary this year.

Anyways, college will be starting soon, so bye bye holiday :( Gonna get my uniform done tomorrow. I wonder how I'll look in a tudong though. Kinda nervous about orientation too. From what I heard, orientations are not enjoyable for most people. Makes me cringe just thinking about it, but oh well, gotta get through it anyways.

This year is all about cramming and stress. Haha cos I stupidly took like 4 subs and plus one Eng GP, so all together 5 which sucks ass. Hopefully I pass everything this year and get either an A or a B on my GP so I can drop it next year. Eng Litt is enough for me...its bad enough I'm taking Maths which I got a C6 during my O's mind you. I'm just really nervous for college. But its all in the experience and it'll come to good use in the future.

I really do miss my time in Singapore though. Oh the countless nights I've stayed up smoking and smoking and going online without being bothered at all. I loved it there. Everything was just light and carefree. Especially when the BF went over there and shopped around with me. Seriously, I could wake up whenever I wanted to and sleep whenever I wanted to. Go anywhere I wished to go. Hopefully I get to go to Uni there over at NUS.

Anyways~ I'll stop here now. Gonna watch True Blood :p GREAT ass series! Love it love it~

Sorta like Twilight, but EXPILICIT haha and more intense. Twilight's not really the movie for me haha. But anyways..ciao bello :)




&&V'day 08

how things change
Hey readers~ I'm backkk..haven't blogged for awhile.

But anyways~ Good news is, I passed my O's *big grin* and I'm going into MD....bad news is, my past is catching up on me.

College was actually taking a toll on me at one point, as in I didn't wanna go into that college, but my mom, being the 'type' that she is...forced me to go into JIS which I don't want to. They've already started school in January so its too late now, so I'm going into MD instead. Went to MD to hand in my applications and choose subjects, and unfortunately the Mrs had to drag along.

She kept nagging at me to take History, when my interests are not even on being a lawyer at all!! Everytime she just nags at me for choosing sociology as one of my form 6 subs. Its my interest right?? I really don't get the fact that she wants me to finish her so-called 'dream' of being a lawyer or a doctor. Please~~~ I'm not the type who loves history and science, so both of those are out of the way.

Other than college, I've been looking through some of the universities that I intend to go to after college and I found NUS (National University of Singapore) and it seems pretty cool. Loads of subjects to choose from and not to mention, a huge ass campus. One thing's for sure though, I have to work extra hard to get in there. From what I know, they don't accept students just like that. Its pretty hard to get in there. Singapore always has high standards...Its their way of life.

I just got back from my great-grandma's house...~~ Chinese New Year celebrations are still on. Trust me its very tiring. The endless dinners and lunches with the family and other relatives can get really boring. I'm actually kinda looking forward to college. Its been pretty boring just laying around the house and the same ol' routines every day. It gets kinda dull as time goes on. I'm really not the type who likes change, but a little bit now and then is needed sometimes.

Damn, talking about college, I haven't got my school uniform done yet. Anyone know where I can get my MD school uniform done???? :(

I went over to my boyfriend's house yesterday...It was fun~ Watched DVDs together and got to spend time with each other. The only thing sucky about it was going home :( Seriously, I wish that there was actually one night where we can actually sleep in the same bed and wake up to see each other's faces. Ahh...pure heaven :) But that time will come one day. All I can do now is wait for it.

The sweetest thing by far that he did for me was actually drag his family along with him to Singapore just so he can spend time with me there. His dad actually said no, but he didn't stop asking til his dad just gave up and gave in to the suggestion. It was sooo fun. Hopefully, we'll do that again soon.

neways...im off...tired as hell..ciao bello :)





&&things i think of...thoughts i just hide